Stew's Views

Iranian President under fire again

By Bob Stewart

A picture of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad consoling the 78-year-old mother of deceased Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez at his funeral has Iranian holy clerics in an uproar. In this incident he violated the Iranian ban on touching an unrelated woman. This is not the first time Ahmadinejad has offended the Iranian clerics. In fact, it is just the most recent in a long line of serious transgressions. (See story and picture here: http://tinyurl.com/bcoz2jh )

10 December 2010 – Ahmadinejad ate food at an event hosted by Nelson Mandela. The food itself was acceptable, but consuming the property of an orphan is not. Mandela was raised as a ward of the state.

13 February 2010 – The lines to the restrooms were long at a rally to condemn homosexuality. Needing to pee very badly, Ahmadinejad used the first available stand-up urinal. Many clerics cited this as a violation of the rule to protect oneself from urine. Ahmadinejad supporters point out there was no evidence of an accident.

17 January 2006 – At a monthly meeting of the “Friends of the Axis of Evil,” Ahmadinejad was allegedly dealing cards in a poker game with Kim Jong-il, Fidel Castro, Hugo Chávez and actor Gary Busey, which violated a ban on gambling.

24 July 2007 – An anonymous high-ranking cleric accused Ahmadinejad of being skimpy on his Zakāt payment.

11 March 2009 – At the annual Tehran Carnival and Bazaar, Ahmadinejad began juggling for a group of kids, which violated a ban on “showing off.” Supporters argued that juggling is not that big of a deal and it is hardly “showing off.” Clerics countered that he crossed the line when he moved from three tangerines to five knives with flaming handles all while riding a unicycle and balancing a bowling ball on his nose. Further, they maintain that the only acceptable excuse for juggling is when you juggle the severed heads of infidels.

21 December 2012 – Clerics accused Ahmadinejad of having a suspiciously light schedule for the day, leading them to think that he sinned by believing in astrologers, in this case, the Mayans.

25 October 2008 – Dismayed clerics found Ahmadinejad’s iPhone, which had various ringtones for Iranian and other world leaders. Some selections included Bon Jovi’s “Living on a Prayer” for Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, The Clash’s “London Calling” for Tony Blair, The Culture Club’s “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me” for George Bush, Styx’s “Mr. Roboto” for Vladimir Putin, and Rick James’s “Super Freak” for former U.S. President Bill Clinton, all of which violated the ban on 80s music.

The Papal Conclave Conference

Conference Schedule

Monday 11 March 2013

6:00am Registration. Coffee, tea & consecrated crumpets

7:00am Holy Mass with record-breaking homily attempt by Eduardo Cardinal Martinez Somalo

10:00-10:50am Holy Seminars

Archbishop Paolo Pezzi: “Disguising your handwriting for the Papal voting ballot” (John Paul II Exhibit Hall A)

Archbishop Giuseppe Lazzarotto: “Women: Is there even a remote chance they will ever be qualified to celebrate the Mass?” (Clement X Hall)

Bishop Thomas Olmsted: “American Catholics: Should we just tell them they only have to come to church on Christmas and Easter?” (Saint Pontian Auditorium)

11:00-11:50am Holy Seminars

Seamus Martin: “The Pope in the media: Scandals, molesters, and big hats – oh my!” (Constantine Theatre)

Tom and Ray Maggliozzi  “Keeping your Popemobile in tip-top shape” (Venerable Pope Pius XII Hall)

Rabbi David Fox Sandmel: “Getting along with Jews, Muslims and Kardashians in the 21^st century” (Pope Honorius III Hall)

12:00-12:50pm Lunch (Padre Pio Cafeteria)

1:00-1:50 Private prayer and reflection

2:00-3:20 Wine tasting (Vatican Pub&Grille)

3:30-4:50 Keynote Address

Speaker: Hologram Pope John Paul II with special guest Dalai Lama (Sistine Chapel)

4:50-5:00pm The serious seminar series

Cardinal Bernard Law: “Counseling the victims of pedophile priests” (Pope Leo Pavilion)

Cardinal Edward Egan: “Helping families cope with homosexual members” (Pope Julius II Chapel)

5:00-7:00 Fish Dinner with choice of Fried Faithful Flounder, Habit Halibut, or Sacred Swordfish

7:00 50/50 tickets available. Proceeds benefit Vatican City under-11 boys soccer team

8:00 Lights out

Tuesday

8:00 Networking mixer, featuring 22-ounce chalices of Sister Margaret Marie McCafferty’s world famous Bloody Mary

9:00 Breakfast (Padre Pio Cafeteria)

10:00-11:50 Final Seminars

Elio Cardinal Sgreccia: “Smoke signals: It’s not all black and white” (Saint Victor VII Hall)

Sister Jeanne Patricia Crowe: “The switch to Gluten Free wafers and organic wine” (St. Cornelius Chapel)

Cardinal Camillo Ruini: “Should Sunday mass schedule be expanded to Monday nights?” (St. Dionysius Hall)

12:00 noon Lunch

2:00 Wagering on possible new Pope’s name

Current Odds:

John Paul III 11:1

Pius XIII 20:1

Leo XIV 30:1

Innocent XIV 50:1

Sixtus VI 60:1

Huang I 250,000:1

Jose I 500,000:1

Okonkwo I 750,000:1

Joan II 1,000,000:1

4:00 Private prayer and winning tickets for 50/50 called

5:00 Pontifical selection process commences

By Bob Stewart

The three-team NALL is set to begin play in late January. They have also announced their championship game plans.

“We’re going to play our inaugural title game on March 3rd, in Philadelphia, at the Wells Fargo Center, during halftime of the Wings – Knighthawks game,” said NALL commissioner Tony Caruso. “We are proud to be able to showcase the talent of our league on the stage of one of the most successful NLL franchises. Just think, in a couple of years they will want to have their title games at halftime of our games. I guess it would be at Kentucky since that is our only real team right now.”

The Wells Fargo Center group sales team acknowledged that Caruso requested an information packet. However, a representative also said they have not booked anyone for that date yet. The deadline is a few weeks away.

“I told him he had to hurry if he wants to do our ‘Play Like the Pros’ halftime event. They need to purchase 200 tickets to get field access. Typically the player’s parents and siblings buy the tickets,” the Wings representative said. “He also seemed really interested in the “High Five Tunnel” experience, where his players would get to high five the Wings on their way out to the floor, as well as the ‘Meet and Greet’ with Mad Dog – our mascot.”

Caruso claims he will have the tickets purchased soon as the three team league is well funded. However, they are just having some trouble because the second and third teams were just invented the other day.

“Look, you have to give us a little bit of time is all,” Caruso said. “We are a well organized and highly professional organization. We have a Facebook page and everything.”

Caruso believes they will have players with uniforms and everything in a week or two. One of the first things he will do is make sure the new players have friends that will buy tickets to the big game.

“We’ll recruit world class talented lacrosse players who also have moms and dads who support them in all their endeavors,” Caruso said. “Further, we know these yet to be found players will be able to meet their yet to be named coaches and learn the yet to be determined offensive and defensive systems of indoor lacrosse that those coaches wish to employ. Then they will be able to execute those systems against our one real team, the Kentucky Stickhorses, as well as the Jersey Jesters, a group of paintball players we trained to play lacrosse as a ‘guest team,’ in less than one week.”

The Wells Fargo Center pointed out that another group has also inquired about the March 3rd halftime slot. The Little Laxers Lacrosse League, based in Northeast Philadelphia, claims on their website that March 3rd will be, “Family Night at the Wings Game.” The site also states that the kids will in fact be playing on the turf at halftime.

“Perhaps this Caruso guy can just wait until March 17th or the 25th,” a parent from the Little Laxers said. “It would give him more time to prepare and there is less competition for the space. He may even be able to generate more exposure for the league with a little more time to promote it.”

But Caruso was adamant.“No, no, no! We’ll do it now! The 17th is ‘Irish night’ and our fans will think the Shamrox team we kicked out of the league is back in. The 25th is too late. How long can you run a three team league for crying out loud?” Caruso asked. “We’ll slap an injunction on those little lawless laxers or whatever and shut their website down. March 3rd is our night. We’ll reward all of our loyal players and coaches, even though we don’t have them all just yet, with 15 minutes of fame.”

But even that point was countered by the people at the Wells Fargo Center. “Fifteen minutes? No, I told the dude that we have a local car dealership giving away a free Kia Sorrento to a lucky fan that can score a goal from the other end of the field,” the Wings representative explained. “By the time we get the car off he’ll have about 8 minutes for his kids. Does this guy have any experience being a commissioner?”

Caruso says the league will make the championship game work in the time allotted so long as the Wings flair team can wait until the game is over before they throw free t-shirts into the stands. But he takes issue with questions about his abilities as commissioner.

“I’ll have that guy know that I have over eight years of commissioner experience at the Fantasy Football level,” Caruso explained. “I oversaw a group of my friends transition from a redraft league to a keeper league. Seven of the ten friends dropped out of the league in protest. But the rest of us persevered. Hell, I have Tom Brady as my backup quarterback. What other league can boast prestige like that?”

By Bob Stewart

A growing number of our nation’s neurologists are being diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome. Players from the NFL are concerned.
Carpal Tunnel is a debilitating condition caused by long periods of typing or repetitive motions. Doctors are susceptible due to constantly writing up reports for medical records and billing insurance companies. Neurologists have seen a major increase due to all the concussion reports they have been typing up for NFL players. This has many players seeking action.
“I can’t stand by and watch my doctor suffer like this. The institution he works for needs to get him better equipment and change the work rules so that his condition is improved,” said Jahvid Best, a running back with the Detroit Lions. “There are easy solutions. But we need to increase education about the situation.”
Indeed, adjustable chairs and ergonomic pads for keyboards would help prevent the onset of Carpal Tunnel. These items can be found at any major office supply store. But some doctors point out that kickbacks and side deals win out over sensible equipment decisions.
“I can’t just go to Staples and buy one of their comfortable chairs,” said a neurologist at the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, who opted not to be identified for fear of retribution. “My department head and the facilities manager here have a deal with some guy they played lacrosse with back in the day. He supplies everything, from the chairs to the computers to the damn pens!”
ESPN analyst, and former NFL quarterback, Steve Young had this to say, “You know, neorgists are always worried about us and our heads. I mean I’ve had a concussion or twelve but I can still type despite having a concussion or twelves. Carpal Tunnel, huh? I got lost in a tunnel yesternight.”
But some players think it is a culture problem within the medical community. Fear of losing status or high paying jobs causes some neurologists to deny that they are injured. These players believe that there needs to be top-down assurances from hospital administration to doctors that it is okay to admit injury.
“The administrators need to put wrist-joint health of doctors on the top of their priority list,” said Bears quarterback Jay Cutler, who was sacked over 50 times in 2011. He also pointed out that rules about recovery time need to be instituted, “When a neurologist complains of tingling in his finger tips he needs to be taken out. A seven day resting period followed by an evaluation by an agreed upon independent Orthopedic practitioner.”
Some doctors disagree despite the fact that they are putting themselves in harms way. According to Dr. Drew Jones, who graduated from UCLA, other injuries will just take the place of Carpal Tunnel.
“I ain’t gonna tell on myself. Why would I? So I lay at home for a week just get bed sores instead? No, not me. And if any sissy doctors do tell on themselves I’ll just go take their job if it’s higher paying than mine,” said Jones.
Sadly that is the prevailing thought process. These guys come from families where the only solution to their social situation is to become neurologists.
The unidentified man from Hopkins elaborated. “Listen, on the mean streets where I come from you got few choices. The poorest people on the block make like 85K. You either become a doctor, a lawyer, a U.S. Senator, or you’re just a laughing stock,” he explained. “God forbid you fall short and become a chiropractor or some chump mid-size city Mayor. You think I would give this up because there is some tingling in my fingers? Hell no!”
FOX Sports analyst, and former Cowboys quarterback, Troy Aikman understands but gives this warning.
“I can totally relate to wanting to hang in there. But what about the future? One day you’re going to wake up and not be able to use the envelope opener when your paycheck arrives in the mail,” the Hall of Famer explained. “Or worse, you’ll eat a sandwich that the maid packed for your lunch and you’ll chomp down on that numb pinky finger four or five times, that’s when the reality of it will set in.”